On a Serious Note: My Formal Apology

Hey everyone, this probably comes as a massive shock since it's been over a year and a half since my last post, but it's really me, Zephri, and I'm seriously still alive and nerdy as ever. I'm sorry I completely dropped off the face of the planet and just disappeared from the blogging circuit so suddenly, it's very complicated, but long story short, some shit happened, my dad had a stroke, and I kind of just mentally checked out for a long time. He's okay now, and so am I, but even if I had had a working computer (the ol' MacBook Pro finally gave out on me a while back) to post, it wasn't really at the top of my priorities, and by the time he got better, schoolwork eased up on me, and I got a new computer, it had been such a long time since I posted that I opted to hide and pretend my blogging responsibilities didn't exist rather than explain my absence. Not to mention that between stress and not having a computer, I wasn't really able to find time for many things worth posting about, I haven't played a game of 40K in months, despite the fact that Paul keeps reminding me how ridiculous the new Necron codex is.

Anyway, I'm trying hard not to make too many excuses just to curb my guilt at leaving you all hanging with not even a word of where I'd gone, to an extent, some of my absence was voluntary. A while back I noticed the reference to me in another Bell of Lost Souls article that implied I was basically a gimmick for site hits and didn't even play anymore. After my initial furious retort, I calmed myself down enough to realize that  it was at least partially true, no one really cared who I was or what I had to say about the game, the only reason I had got that interview was for being a girl. Not for being clever or witty or a brilliant strategist (though none of those things I actually claim to be), just for being born one gender rather than another and bothering to learn the rules of a tabletop game. It was extra insult to injury when the author of the article mentioned above backpedaled so fast after I called him out on not getting his facts straight that he actually had the nerve to ask for a follow up interview for BoLS on the whole ordeal. I never responded.

That first article garnered me enough attention, not always the friendly kind, and sometimes too friendly, that I became a bit overly skeptical with the whole thing and decided in my frustration that I was probably better off just disappearing than spending every day trying to read between the lines of comments and emails to discern who actually liked me and who was only interested in the waves I'd caused by simply being female. Now, this isn't to say that I'm accusing any of you of such things because it was mostly my own paranoia and insecurity, I honestly did enjoy writing and receiving all your feedback and advice. It's just that I thought I was helping the gamer girl community progress forward by stepping up to be their voice on BoLS, but it turns out that not only did I have delusions of grandeur, I probably ended up hurting the situation a lot more than anything with my naivety on the nature of that article.

So I handled this whole situation pretty terribly by just dropping everything and running away from it as soon as it became too much and I just wanted to apologize for it all, even if no one even reads this blog anymore, I at least got it all off my chest. I don't know if I'm going to return to blogging, I have plenty of new things in my life to talk about but not much of it is Warhammer-related anymore and the entire premise that this thing started from doesn't make me feel like the most honest or deserving person. Mostly I'm just too scared that you all will resent me for everything thus far and I'll never be taken seriously as anything but a gimmick in the online 40K community ever again. But I felt like I owed you all at least this much.