An epic adventure in all things nerdy.

(Plus some zombies.)

Friday, February 3, 2012

On a Serious Note: My Formal Apology

Hey everyone, this probably comes as a massive shock since it's been over a year and a half since my last post, but it's really me, Zephri, and I'm seriously still alive and nerdy as ever. I'm sorry I completely dropped off the face of the planet and just disappeared from the blogging circuit so suddenly, it's very complicated, but long story short, some shit happened, my dad had a stroke, and I kind of just mentally checked out for a long time. He's okay now, and so am I, but even if I had had a working computer (the ol' MacBook Pro finally gave out on me a while back) to post, it wasn't really at the top of my priorities, and by the time he got better, schoolwork eased up on me, and I got a new computer, it had been such a long time since I posted that I opted to hide and pretend my blogging responsibilities didn't exist rather than explain my absence. Not to mention that between stress and not having a computer, I wasn't really able to find time for many things worth posting about, I haven't played a game of 40K in months, despite the fact that Paul keeps reminding me how ridiculous the new Necron codex is.

Anyway, I'm trying hard not to make too many excuses just to curb my guilt at leaving you all hanging with not even a word of where I'd gone, to an extent, some of my absence was voluntary. A while back I noticed the reference to me in another Bell of Lost Souls article that implied I was basically a gimmick for site hits and didn't even play anymore. After my initial furious retort, I calmed myself down enough to realize that  it was at least partially true, no one really cared who I was or what I had to say about the game, the only reason I had got that interview was for being a girl. Not for being clever or witty or a brilliant strategist (though none of those things I actually claim to be), just for being born one gender rather than another and bothering to learn the rules of a tabletop game. It was extra insult to injury when the author of the article mentioned above backpedaled so fast after I called him out on not getting his facts straight that he actually had the nerve to ask for a follow up interview for BoLS on the whole ordeal. I never responded.

That first article garnered me enough attention, not always the friendly kind, and sometimes too friendly, that I became a bit overly skeptical with the whole thing and decided in my frustration that I was probably better off just disappearing than spending every day trying to read between the lines of comments and emails to discern who actually liked me and who was only interested in the waves I'd caused by simply being female. Now, this isn't to say that I'm accusing any of you of such things because it was mostly my own paranoia and insecurity, I honestly did enjoy writing and receiving all your feedback and advice. It's just that I thought I was helping the gamer girl community progress forward by stepping up to be their voice on BoLS, but it turns out that not only did I have delusions of grandeur, I probably ended up hurting the situation a lot more than anything with my naivety on the nature of that article.

So I handled this whole situation pretty terribly by just dropping everything and running away from it as soon as it became too much and I just wanted to apologize for it all, even if no one even reads this blog anymore, I at least got it all off my chest. I don't know if I'm going to return to blogging, I have plenty of new things in my life to talk about but not much of it is Warhammer-related anymore and the entire premise that this thing started from doesn't make me feel like the most honest or deserving person. Mostly I'm just too scared that you all will resent me for everything thus far and I'll never be taken seriously as anything but a gimmick in the online 40K community ever again. But I felt like I owed you all at least this much.

21 comments:

  1. Wow, sounds like you had a pretty tough year & a bit. (I have no real excuse for abandoning my blog for more than a year.) It is good to know that you are okay.

    Screw what everyone else thinks, it's what you think that matters. (Even if that sounds a little cliché, it is still true.)
    If your priorities have changed, so be it, you don't need to apologise to the world for it, that's just how life is.

    If you ever decide to come back & revive this blog, I look forward to your next post.
    If not I have enjoyed the content that you have posted, thanks for being willing to share your gaming/painting/modelling ideas with us all.

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    1. If you enjoy blogging do it, if you don't, then don't. Its pretty simple really. If people don't like your little corner of the internet, they won't come to it, if they do, then we will.

      Your concern of being a gimmick, or holding the mantle of the 'gamer girl' is more or less an irrelevant concern. Go check out Loquacious' World of Wonder blog. The fact that she's a 'gamer girl' has long since passed from novelty to normalcy.

      Take care.

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    2. Really, other than my dad, most of the mishaps of this past year were pretty much all my fault. I tend to blunder through life avoiding consequences and they all simultaneously caught up to me. But as a new TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE ADULT (false: I spent 20 hours straight playing Skyrim yesterday) prepared to accept consequences, it's nice to know that I wont be abandoned. :)

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  2. No apologies needed. Interests and priorities change all the time. I follow your blog because I thought your interview was somewhat interesting and I follow other zombie fans. The good thing about blogs is that they dont get cancelled, so you can pop in whenever you want.
    see you next time

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    1. My main concern was that I would lose a lot of support if I flaked because I don't play much 40K anymore and that was kind of the entire premise of this blog. For some reason I'd gotten it into my head that if I just posted about zombies and video games all the time people would get upset? Yeah, that sounds kinda stupid in retrospect.

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  3. Hey, it's just a blog, it's just a hobby...
    I've returned to my blog only recently after about a year and a half as well, also because real life got errrm "interesting", let's call it "interesting"
    Sometimes it just takes time to get back on your feet and sometimes interest change...

    Just do what feels right for you

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    1. Life is entirely too interesting for my taste, I think I'm going to be a hermit.

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  4. There's 139 people who follow you regardless of any kind of BoLS-spawned drama, and if they resented you, that counter would drop to zero. Don't give it another thought, and continue doing things the way you know best. Besides the therapeutic benefits, one of the major positives of blogging is the sense of community. You don't have to be a paragon of anything or a torch-bearer for anybody. Just be there and do what you do.

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    1. That's a really helpful way of putting it, thanks. :)

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  5. i'll echo what everyone else has said - you've no need to apologize to anyone. priorities change, interests change, and it was a fun ride. while i discovered this blog from the BoLS article, it was your interest in zombies that made me subscribe (you made a great Zoey!). screw the drama, and do what makes you happy. post, don't post. quit, don't quit. noodles, don't noodles. =)

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    1. Man, and I thought everyone was reading this blog expecting me to be posting about 40K all the time. I always used to feel guilty for posting too many things about zombies or movies in a row, like I was straying from the premise. Well maybe if I do get back to blogging, there will be even MORE ZOMBIES.

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  6. I hope to see you return to your blog. I would love to hear the other gender's opinion of the 40K game and of the new codex. Your BOLS interview is what got me to follow and a new perspective on the game is always interesting to read.

    If you don't come back, then I hope thing turn out well in your life and I thank you for your contribution this far.

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    1. I'm scared to buy the new codex, I know if I do I will immediately drop a few hundred dollars on more models again. I feel like I'm missing an opportunity to play Necrons when they're actually on level ground with the rest of the armies though. Maybe once I have one of these "job" things everyone keeps going on about.

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  7. First of all, I am sorry to hear about what happened to your dad and yourself. I'm glad that you both have recovered. I've been there, so I know exactly how it feels when something like that happens. There is no shame in rearranging your priorities as life rears it's ugly head.

    Second, as everyone here is already saying, you don't need to apologize to us. Though, I understand why you feel you need to. Let me tell you this: I did, in fact, "discover" you from BoLS. However, I stayed because I genuinely enjoyed YOU, not your gender. It was what kept me coming here every few days to see if there was anything new, even after well over a year and a half. I value your opinions and I wouldn't hold that loyalty towards someone simply because they were a girl.

    I have a loving gamer-girl fiancee and have no desire to dream up some fantasy with you, unlike some unsavory individuals. I could never understood the disrespectful gaze many guys thrust on gamer-women. Its rude and completely unnecessary, even IF you are attractive (which you are). You have done more than enough to stand on your own as both a gamer, painter, and blogger without having your gender come up. Being a girl isn't what kept me coming back. Its your personality, mannerisms, and distinct passion about everything you do. I hope that I'll be able to see a great many more posts from you in the future, but considering the circumstances, I'll understand if I don't.

    If you only remember one thing from everything, remember this: We are here for you. Those of us that are commenting thus far support you regardless of gender and we will continue to do so. And if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask it of us. You might be surprised how many of us are genuinely willing to help YOU as a person.

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    1. Every time I go back and read this reply it makes me smile, I really can't express how much I appreciate this.

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    2. And every word of it is spoken truthfully. I'm glad I was able to make you smile; sounds like you've had few of them recently. We've got your back. :3

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  8. Seriously, I didn't know you were a girl. That just doesn't matter when I read blogs. If the writing is solid and you're enthusiastic about your topic and I get that from your writing then by all means, keep writing. Life happens, but it is up to you to keep living.

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    1. I'm not exactly the most outwardly girly person on the internet to begin with, but I get your point. I have a hard time separating this blog from that BoLS article so I just instantly assume that's why everyone's reading, but it's an extremely pleasant surprise to know that my content is interesting independently of the whole gamer girl gimmick. :)

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  9. I just caught up on my google reader and noticed you started posting again, which brightened my evening, so thank you. :-)
    (Which is to say I am both a slacker or have too many things on my reader that spam a lot of articles out. Probably both.)

    Regardless, a belated welcome back to blogging and sorry you had a rough year. (2011 was craptastic for quite a few people in the bad luck dept...for me it was both wonderful and terrible.)

    As for worrying about posting only about 40k because of the blog title, that's solidly a 'feh' type thing. It is your blog, your part of the intarwebs, do what you like, when you like. I'm biased toward you posting more so I have more interesting things to read...but feel free to ignore that.

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  10. Hi Zeph/Cassie,
    Great to see you back! :)I'll +1 every comment above about you not feeling guilty and enjoying what YOU want to do, the rest of us can get stuffed ;) Oh and as for BoLS, bunch of mongrels, don't worry about them :)
    I was actually thinking of you only the other day after hearing about a Youtube series called Warhammer Joey, by TheJoeyBerry. She is video blogging her new entry into the world of Warhammer Fantasy (square basing, I know I know...)
    ANyway, great to see you back into gaming, and I've started DnD as well (4E) just as a social game, see where that leads..

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